The identity of the Guardian’s secret footballer is keeping me awake at night.
Summary
- Not foreign, most likely English due to his articles on Capello and foreigners.
- Probably in his 30s, but not past it. (not Sol Campbell, Danny Mills, Keown).
- Current in a Premiership squad. (not Craig Bellamy)
- Happily married. (not Peter Crouch or Frank Lampard)
- An outfield player. (not David James)
- Played for several Premiership clubs (unlikely to be Phil Neville, Owen Hargreaves, Clarke Carlisle, Carragher, Kevin Nolan etc.)
- A long stint a one club under a single manager (4+ seasons?) at at least one of them (not Jason Roberts or other journeymen etc.)
- Possibly past involvement in international football (unlikely to be Matthew Taylor, Kevin Davies)
- Played a match the weekend 2nd - 3rd April (so not Joe Cole, Woodgate, Gerrard, Andy Johnson, Heskey etc)
- Strong farther figure (not Joey Barton!)
I think this leaves three possible candidates - Scott Parker, Danny Murphy, Kevin Phillips.
They’ve all had potential to form ‘lifelong friendships’ with an unnamed Scandinavian - Phillips (Sørensen), Scott Parker (Claus Jensen), Danny Murphy (Hyypiä or Riisee). They’ve all played under good and bad managers, most squads have had a small French contingent in the last decade, and gambling seems rife across the industry so that doesn’t give me any specific clues.
Many people think Kevin Davies, but hasn’t played at enough clubs for my liking, so I’m striking off my list - the secret footballer has regularly been involved in transfer negotiations whereas Kevin seems content at Bolton.
I can’t narrow it down further with any certainty.
Murphy is the front runner because of his past media work but that might be too obvious and his 29th January column railed against pundits (he occasionally works for ITV).
A couple of tweets make me think it is Murphy though.
- “Which 3 will be relegated from the Prem this season? My friend is adament Villa will go but they don’t see the type!” - I wouldn’t expect this from a player in the middle of a relegation battle, as Parker is at West Ham.
- “Congratulations to Birmingham. What do you think the difference was? Except one goal…” - Referring to Birmingham in this way would be odd for Phillips.
For my own sanity I’m assuming he’s not given out any false information and that it is a single person, not a group of player, nor a Guardian hack as some have suggested.
So, I think it’s Danny Murphy for now.
Weekly Notes
9 April
- I once won a free-kick playing at Old Trafford and a Manchester United player brought the ball over to the spot where it was to be taken from and handed it to the referee. [I take this to mean he's not played for Manchester United. also definitely an outfield player]
- In a nutshell, that is the “justification” for shouting in the referee’s face, waving your finger at him, lambasting him every time he gives something against you and jogging past him and “getting in his ear”. I don’t overly like it and I’m uncomfortable doing it. [Only an outfield player would have regular opportunity to berate a referee]
- My wife told me that last week … [Currently married]
- I still grew up to be a footballer and, may I say, a fairly well-adjusted one, and that is because of my upbringing and the values that were instilled in me. [strong father figure]
2 April
- I have made some lifelong friends, like the Scandinavian I’ve known for so long that I forgot he wasn’t English. [Long-term EPL Scandinavians]
- A group of French players I played with at one club who were not interested in communicating with anybody else. [Could be French speaking, so covers much of North/West Africa]
- And there was a striker who refused to move unless the pass went exactly where he wanted. [Could be one of many primma donna forwards - Berbatov, Anelka]
19 March
Played at a club with a culture of gambling.
- I’ve known one player who operates on what I would describe as very close to a professional level when it comes to gambling.
- And then there is the complete opposite type of gambler. I’ve actually roomed with one of these and it isn’t pleasant … taking calls from bookmakers all over the world at all hours of the day.
12 March
- I saw a talented young kid reduced to tears in the changing room … thinking back, I can definitely guess [Several references throughout various columns to the younger generation.]
- It isn’t because we’re a superior breed – even I wouldn’t take on that argument with half the England team conspiring against me. [this isn't a very well worded sentence, I'm not sure if we can conclude he's an ex-international]
5 March
This article hints that he’s got an agent with a good reputation.
- When I hang up my boots, I will have opportunity to move on to things I have always wanted to do before I undergo the hip and knee replacements my doctor promised a few years ago. [Obviously an older player]
- I have been in contract negotiations where the Bosman ruling hung over proceedings. [Has been around a few clubs with several contracts]
26 February
Nothing specific in this column but the examples he gives examples of laws he thinks FIFA should introduce, “the situation that arises when a defender shepherds the ball out of play for a goal-kick, preventing his opponent from getting the ball despite making no attempt to play it”, which makes me think it can’t be a defensive player.
Also, this :-
- A friend of mine recently told me his team lacked any clear direction or ambition and, as a result, problems came about which had not been addressed. He said things got so bad that a group of players even began to raise the possibility that it could be a deliberate ploy by the manager to get himself sacked. [99% sure this is a friend of Liverpool]
19 February
- I’ve played for great managers, and I’ve also played for one or two where I would happily have faked my own death if it meant not working with them a minute longer. [Well travelled]
- At one club I played for, it was because of a shared belief that our tactics were flawed, that this was making us look like poor players and, in turn, lose matches. [RE: managers loosing the dressing room]
- I remember at one club being fined for going out to a pub with a couple of friends while injured.
- He was referring to whether or not I escorted a young lady home, despite the fact that he knew I had a long-term girlfriend … I was young back then.
- The first time this happened I had been playing for the manager in question for a long time [had a long stint at least one club] … a man who I looked up to as a god of the game from the way he handled the players, the fans and the media. [But it's not Harry Redknapp] … and it showed him up as a man who, at the time, was troubled. [Houlier?]
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